A Rose by Any Other (Presumed) Name: A Valentine’s Lesson on the Use of Pronouns
Of the many holidays on the calendar, Valentine’s Day, may be the one most fraught with feelings of anxiety. You wonder if you should “celebrate” Valentine’s Day with the special someone in your life. Should you get that someone a gift to mark the occasion? Maybe your relationship just isn’t there yet. Or is it? Maybe you’ll feel bad if you don’t do something for them. Then you feel pressured about what to do. Is a card enough, or do you need to find something that expresses some deeper feelings you have for that person? What is the perfect gift, the perfect date, or the perfect Valentine? Perhaps these are questions that will never be answered, or perhaps, as with many other things, the beauty of Valentine’s Day is truly in the eye of the beholder.
Traditional Symbols of Love and Valentine’s Day
For many people, regardless of their gender or relationship status, Valentine’s Day and the feelings of love it represents, are best embodied in the red rose. For centuries, red roses have been directly associated with love and passion. Some believe this meaning relates back to Greek and Roman mythology. Others reference the Robert Burns poem, A Red, Red Rose in which Burns compares his love to the flower. Some from modern day might prefer a reference to The Bachelor, where red roses are gifted by a bachelor or bachelorette as a symbol of their interest in pursuing a greater relationship with the lucky contenders living in the house.
But there really is nothing in fact or history which states that a red rose definitively means love. Instead, this “language of the flower” is presumed and, whether we like it or not, people associate certain flowers, and the colour of the flower, with these common meanings.
Pitfalls Presumption
For example, if you are given a red rose you assume it is a gesture of love. A yellow rose - friendship. A pink rose - gratitude. And yet looks can be deceiving. Something as beautiful and kind as the gifting of a red rose may be seen by one person as a sign of love, and by another person; someone who has told you they don’t like roses, that roses remind them or a horrible childhood memory, or who is deathly allergic to their scent, as an insult or sign of disrespect. It is wrong for an outside third party to see one of these individuals, or their feelings, as wrong. These days, perhaps more than ever, it is important to recognize that how something appears is not always the whole story.
Like a red rose, we often make assumptions about someone based on their appearance or their name. A person’s appearance or name does not tell you everything about that person and assumptions we may draw solely from whether someone looks like a traditional man or woman, or has a traditionally male or female name, are not always correct.
Interplay Between Gender Assumptions and Human Rights
One’s assumed gender may differ from their gender identity. Mis-gendering someone, addressing an individual who before you appears to be male, or who was born male, as “he” or “him”, for example, is not always accurate or welcome.
As noted in the Ontario Human Rights Code , “traditional gender pronouns (she/her, he/him) do not fit everyone’s gender identity”, and mis-gendering is a form of discrimination. An individual’s personal pronoun, like their name, is directed tied to their identity and using an individual’s correct and chosen pronoun, like using their correct/proper name, is a way to show your respect for them and create an inclusive environment.
Further, it can be offensive or harassing to guess at someone’s pronouns and refer to them based on that guess rather than how they have chosen to be addressed. So how do we avoid making incorrect assumptions about personal pronouns and, in turn, gender identity? Let’s use lessons from an “ideal” Valentine’s Day to demonstrate the proper way to approach personal/gender pronouns.
1. Share the Experience
First, ask the other person how they want to celebrate. Get to know their interests, expectations and, in the case of flowers, allergies. Not only does this give the other person an equal role in planning the day, but it shows your partner that you want to include them and take their feelings into account. It also shows that their enjoyment of the day is important to you.
For pronouns, this means showing respect by asking the individual how they wish to be addressed. This does not have to be awkward but is an important step to showing that you take the issue seriously and want to get it right. Sometimes, just like when you are celebrating Valentine’s Day a week after you have started dating someone, you simply need to make sure you are on the same page. So, ask the person “what pronoun do you use”, or “how would you like me to address you?” Or you may choose to start by sharing your own pronoun and then asking, or even just leaving it open, for the other person to share theirs. Whatever way you choose, this puts everyone in sync and allows you to not only use the correct pronoun, but to encourage others to do so as well.
A word of caution, though. Don’t assume that, because you asked last Valentine’s Day, your significant other wants to spend the day the same way, or get the same gift, this year. Thinking you know someone without checking can lead to an unexpected, and unwanted, surprise. Surprising your partner does not always lead to success. Interests and feelings can change and they may want white roses this year. Pronouns can also change, particularly if an employee is transitioning, and some people go by more than one set of pronouns. Take Elliot Page (formerly Ellen Page) as one recent publicized example. In December 2020, Elliot not only announced his new name, but also that he is transgender and non-binary[i] and uses both he/him and they/them pronouns. No two people are the same so it’s important to check in and make asking a regular part of the process.
2. Take it easy
Second, take the pressure off. Sure, Valentine’s Day is symbolic, but there are many ways to celebrate and not everyone needs, or expects, a dozen red roses in a crystal vase to be delivered to their door. Maybe simply making yourself available to spend the day together with your special someone is enough. Elaborate plans or an itemized agenda for “the perfect date” is not always necessary. By remaining open to accepting whatever your partner is up for, you create a more inclusive attitude and style to your relationship and your Valentine’s Day is what you both make of it.
This is equally applicable to pronouns. Simply being open and recognizing the individual’s right to share their chosen pronoun is a great way of creating an inclusive workplace where individuals are respected and can be comfortable being who they are. Many businesses now provide their employees with the opportunity to include their personal pronoun(s) in their e-signature, on their business cards or in their written correspondence. This is a simple step that doesn’t require any formalized company policy or a mandated practice. Instead, it leaves the door open for individuals to voluntarily share their pronouns on their own terms and in their own time, and is flexible enough to recognize the privacy rights of someone that may just not be ready to be “out”.
Privacy rights continue to be an important consideration and lean in favour of a more fluid and voluntary approach to the matter. After all, as a 2015 B.C. Human Rights Tribunal confirmed, gender “may be the most significant factor in a person’s identity. It is intensely personal. In many respects how we look at ourselves and define who we are starts with our gender.”[ii]
3. Every rose has its thorns
We are all human and mistakes happen. So, if you get something wrong, correct it. Acknowledge your mistake, correct it and get it right next time. This has nothing to do with your intention. As perfect as you may want your Valentine’s celebration to be, mistakes happen. Maybe you got the name of your partner’s favourite restaurant wrong and booked the wrong dinner. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world, or your relationship. Instead, you take what steps you can to fix your error and get the correct dinner reservation booked.
Likewise, if you use an incorrect pronoun with a co-worker or colleague, correct yourself in the moment and move on. An error of “he said” can easily and quickly be changed to “my apologies, I meant to say, “they said”. If a quick fix isn’t in the cards because the error was made in a letter or e-mail communication, acknowledge the error and apologize in private on your next opportunity or correspondence. Don’t dwell on it or feel like you must explain why or how you got it wrong. The mis-gendered individual may feel awkward or like they must justify your error to make you feel better. So, don’t cry over spilt milk and, by all means, get it right the next time.
***
Whatever flower you receive for Valentine’s Day this year, remember that it is not its type, colour or fragrance that matters. What matters most is that it blooms. You don’t have to be a horticulturalist or a specialist in the proper acidity of the soil for the rose to grow. Each one may bloom at a different pace and some may bloom more fully than others, but a rose in the ground or in a vase will open to its full vibrance if permitted. Recognizing and using an individual’s personal pronoun in the workplace is not only a protected human right, but it is an important step in creating and maintaining a safe and inclusive work environment. It allows the individual to bloom as their true self and for inclusivity and respect to grow in the workplace. As Lady Bird Johnson said, “where flowers bloom so does hope”.
I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day. And for those who are asking … my name is Cynthia Ingram (she/her) and I like chocolates!
Happy Valentine’s Day.
[i] Some people don’t identify with any gender and some people’s gender changes over time. People whose gender is not male or female use different terms to describe themselves, with non-binary being the most common. Other terms include genderqueer, agender and bigender. See “Understanding Non-Binary People: How to Be Respectful and Supportive,” from the National Center for Transgender Equality.
[ii] Dawson v. Vancouver Police Board (No. 2), 2015 BCHRT 54
